Finally Someone Understands

Okay, i was bored tonight and i went into an old “friends” site that i am apart of and i went to a room that normally i wouldn’t go into because of past issues but i went in anyway.  I am so glad that i did.  It was nice to go in and talk and have someone understand what i was saying.  That understood that I needed to find me before i gave myself to anyone, even in a regular relationship.

And it was wonderful to just talk, talk about nonsense and jibber jabber.  No, you belong here, we know what’s best crap.  Just talking, with someone who was willing to at least understand where i was and what i was trying to say. Someone who was really thinking for my point of view and not their own, or what others want for me.  But really with the understanding of what’s best and needed for me.

It was nice to be silly again.  I missed that, just being silly with a few other people.  Damn, i need to get out more.  hee hee.

Finding My Balance

Well, it’s been an interesting couple of days to say the least. Thankfully, I think I am beginning to find a way to balance my emotional state out a bit, not that someone hasn’t made that a bit more difficult than it needed to be. And it can’t be said that I’m not keeping my promise as I am writing now, although I think I should have made a deal with someone else too. So yesterday at work was a bit rough and my co workers noticed the marked change in my disposition. Thankfully, they are wonderful and I do enjoy my job, and a few spent the day trying to make me laugh and they succeeded more often than not. They are a funny bunch. It reminds me of home to have people so concerned with how I am doing that it makes me miss home and at the same time become more comfortable here. I fit and that’s a nice feeling after not fitting for so long. And as much as some would like me to fit somewhere else, well, I’m not so sure that I would really fit in anyway.

There’s no words to describe how up and down my life has been lately and I think that I am craving some stability from it all just as much as everyone else. My absence will only allow that stability not only within myself but the stability of others as well. I have a tendency to attract controversy and well conflict. I have no desire for those things and until I can get my head straight those are the things that will continue to follow me and plague the people who I am involved with. See, I do pay attention! Sometimes. Although given, probably not to the things that you wish I would. And I can think of one who’s peace of mind will be eased with me being gone and that in turn will help you both. It’s not like I’m gone for forever, I just need so time to learn, I guess. About me, the world, people, and how to live, all the things I should know by now but don’t. I know that you both want what’s best for me, but everything gets so twisted that I can’t see straight. I need to look around me and see what’s going on. I’m tired of being blindly lead into places only to find that it’s not right. I know that I’m going to make mistakes that had I listened to you I would have avoided. But that’s learning too, and yes I run. I run often, but right now I don’t know if I’m running or if I’m standing. Like that made any sense!! But this time, I don’t want to allow myself to be drawn back into things that honestly I’m just not ready to handle.

I love you both too much to every really let go. But I need to figure things out within my life and my heart and what I can and can’t live with. Those are decisions that neither of you can make for me. I have to figure those out for myself, as much as I know that drives you both crazy. So I’m asking that you please give me that time. I know that it’s a lot to ask, but I get the feeling sometimes that neither of you really want me to get comfortable anywhere but where you are. And then I ask why? I feel so off balance all the time, that I just want to feel something solid under my feet. Solid ground just for a bit. The emotional upheaval is more than I can take. Anyway, that’s all that I wanted to say today.

Too Much

Okay so when I first wrote on this blog, I wrote of an amazing person, no not her but of one that I have fallen in love with.  He is still amazing, but unfortunately, I have yet again screwed things up.  But this time, I think that I must for my sanity, his, and my friend’s, leave it that way.  As much as it breaks my heart all the way around, I can’t be more than a friend to him.  Circumstances are what they are and when I said that I didn’t think of interferring at all because I am where I am and He is were He was, well, lets just say the conversation ended.  And I think our friendship too, it wasn’t what I meant.  But at the same time, it’s true.  I said I take what I can get, which is the friendship we have/had.  But I have a feeling that it’s over for good this time.

I called and talked to my friend that night, well, talked isn’t really what happened, crying hysterically would be closer to the truth.  And as much as it killed me, I had to say goodbye to her too…it’s too difficult when her life is surrounded by him.  He is a subject that I can’t avoid wanting to know about and she can’t avoid talking about.  The only thing that I promised was that I would continue to write here so that she would know that I was okay.  And as amazing as she is, she has accepted this with all the grace that she has and is.  So now, there is no more talk of moving, no more pressure, but no more love either.  I have let go of the two people who mean anything to me, because, I hurt them too much by running in and out of there lives.  I can’t keep doing it, and I can’t be what he wants.

Wow, I thought I knew what pain was, but I didn’t really know until now.  There is nothing like the emptiness that radiates from every thought and action.  Thankfully, I didn’t work yesterday or today, but I must work tomorrow, and I would much rather hide here in my room.

But life continues, and so will I.  I mean how many end up with the first person they fall in love with?  And how many best friends fade with the passing of time?  More than I am sure anyone could count.

All I can say is that I am so sorry for bringing so much heartache to people who mean so much.

Too Much Fun

Okay, I am having just too much fun at work.  Hell, it’s almost not like work.  And I definately don’t have a problem with the complaints…well, not from the men anyway.  We had one who was just fit to be tied and once I showed up to ahhh “listen” suddenly He didn’t have a complaint in the world.  Just too funny!!!  Needless to say we all thought it was hilarious and again we partied just a little after work.  lol, talk about a job that was just made for me.  Well, here’s to the second day!

Finally a decision that works!!!

 

Admittedly, I am not known for my bright ideas; however, circumstance dictated that I make one not too long ago, and for once, I made a good decision. I have packed up and moved, again., but this time I moved to where I wanted to move. It has made a huge difference in my own outlook. I have moved from a itty bitty cottage, dare I say, town back to a real city with people and everything. And on an even more positive note FOOD!, I am not known for my culinary skills so that’s a big thing.

 

I went out today and started looking for a job, now I have to say that that is a bit challenging when you don’t know the language of the country you are in; however, I had a plan! And surprise, IT WORKED!! I am now working as a hospitality specialist, now doesn’t that sound fancy. But I knew that working at a resort would be the best place because of the number of English speaking customers. And damn, I am actually getting paid really good money. And it came with extra benefits like a place to live, now that I wasn’t excepting, but it’s better than the hour rail ride to and from the resort. Can we say that I just lucked into a dream job? My job is to walk around and make sure everyone is taken care of, not the most stressful job. It does have a downside, in case you are thinking it’s all roses, I also am the one that will get called when someone has a complaint. It seems that people really like to complain to someone who speaks their language…lol…and here I thought people just liked to complain.

 

Well, I spent about half the day there, yes, it was the first place I went, again, scary but it just worked. And since I didn’t have anything better to do, I learned some of the ropes and met some of my co-workers. Everyone was very nice and later some of us went out and had some drinks. All in all, it was a great day and I think that I am really going to like it here. The people are fun and don’t take things too seriously or me too seriously. It’s nice to be able to relax and just be me. Without having to wonder all the time about what people are thinking and if I am acting strange. Here I just seem to fit. And that is a good thing.

The Most Amazing Person I Know

The most amazing person I know is my best friend, my only friend, and family.  I have looked up to her for so long I am not sure when I even started to.  It started when I was younger and then I guess it was like that hero worship that younger siblings have for there sister’s friends.  Then I grew up listening to the stories involving her and her friends and the difference they made in our community. But I never really knew her, that changed when circumstances took me to her doorstep last year.

Having gotten to know her over the last year, I am amazed at the person that I see before me.  I have seen the trials that life has put her through and yet she still has a bright and cheerful outlook on life.  With no real reason to think or feel that way.  I have seen as she has gotten knocked around be life, and yet, she still picks up the pieces and continues on.  Nothing gets her down for long and she just keeps going.  No matter the challenge or the obstacles presented, she climbs then, goes around, or hell, just takes a sledgehammer and breaks it down.

But I have seen when she has been broken, when the nights are long when she can’t sleep.  When memories of her childhood haunt her.  In the morning she is back to her cheerful self.  With so many battles having been fought and so many hurts that have been inflicted, you would think that she would close herself off from people, but she is not capable of doing that.  Often I have seen her hurt by people, and repeatedly by the same people and yet still she doesn’t shut off her heart from them. Even if it means that heartbreak will come again she will still be there if they reach for her.  She makes connections with people no matter what the outcome may be, and even if she knows that it will end badly she will still put herself out there.

How does someone do that? How can there put themselves out there for people when they know that they will get hurt?  I don’t understand it and at the same time think it’s the most remarkable gift to have.  To have the ablility to give your heart to everyone, to genuinely care for people, not just for yourself, but for the betterment of them in a selfless way that is so lacking in today’s world.  It is a power and grace that I think should be admired.  So often, these are the people that the world overlooks.

But I will not overlook her, and everyday I think of her gift and the grace that she has.  I remind myslef that without people such as her this world would be a dark and lonely place.  She brings the light with her where ever she is, is glows within her as bright as any star.  Anytime I feel the darkness of life creep over me, I think of her and the light she carries within and I know that there is always hope, and just put one foot in front of the other until I am again awash in the light.

It’s a Start

Do we start at the beginning or just go from here. Well, you can never know the present unless you know a bit of the past. But that will get filled in I’m sure. My friend said that I should start writing all of this in a blog. She thinks that it helps to stabilize and see where a person is going. If nothing else, you can see what you are thinking about and what direction you should take. Well, she has been right about a lot of things and I am sure this is no different.

My friend is a slave. Now, there is something that I have never quite been able to wrap my mind around. She is probably the strongest most self determined person that I have ever known, and yet, she is a slave. I don’t really question that so much now as I did in the beginning. She has submitted to her Master completely. Personally, I don’t think that just anyone could have gotten her to do that; what happened with the both of them is almost scary. It scares me to think about how easily she just gave up. And not in the sense of failure but of relinquishing herself to someone else. It really was something that was natural for her. I didn’t understand it then and I don’t understand it now, but it is what it is.

So last night I did a crazy thing, the culmination of many events that slowly lead to me admitting to my friends Master that I have fallen for him. What was I thinking? Okay, it was hard enough when I was just trying to avoid the subject or we would talk about sex, alright, HE would talk about sex and I would talk about it not happening. Somehow, someway he weaseled his way into my heart and past every defense I have. Talk about pissing me off. You just have no idea.

I only started talking to him in the first place because I didn’t like some of the things that he was doing to my friend. I was and still am very protective of her, as she is of me. And I didn’t like and/or understand some of the things that He would make her do. FYI, I still don’t like a lot of it, but I’m coming to accept it, most of the time. However, if things were to work out between us, there would be three of us together, which I will admit would be a lot of fun…out of the bedroom, in the bedroom…well, I’m not quite there yet. But what happens when He has her do something that I find just unacceptable. They both know me well enough to know that I would be quiet about it. So how does that work?

He says that I don’t have to submit to Him to be with Him; however, I can see the problems that my presence can create. And even if that could be answered successfully there are bigger issues revolving around me that prevent anything from happening anyway. So what am I going to do? Any advice?

 

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